Thai Jokes - by Mike Bell
‘Did you hear the one about the Eskimo?’ or ‘There was this Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman.’ People, usually miserable gits, call this type of joke racist. I call it a joke. As the Thais practice double pricing in National Parks and police stations, don’t allow farangs to buy land or a house, I think a few ‘Thai’ jokes wouldn’t go amiss, what?
An American Company decides to commission a new roadshow to promote their products in SE Asia. They drew up a short list of countries capable of mounting such a show and asked for quotes from China, Singapore and Thailand.
The Singaporean guy was first, and said $1m USD, based on an extensive logistics study that revealed ways to produce the roadshow out of MDF, using the latest in laser inkjet printing and sourcing local talent. The Americans were very impressed.
The Chinese guy was next, and said he could do it for $500k USD, based on cheap labour, loss leading and no margin. He said he wanted the work, to develop a relationship with America and gain expertise in this type of work. The Americans then turned to the Thai contractor.
The Thai bidder said "2.5m USD"
When asked why he was so much more expensive than the other two bidders, the answer came as follows:
"1m for you, 1m for me, and we get the Chinese guy to do it."
As I was walking down Soi 6, I noticed an unusually pretty Thai girl seemingly talking to herself. At first I thought she was having a telephone conversation with one of those hidden mikes and an earpiece. As I am not used to Thai girls not talking to me and my wallet, I sidled closer so I could eavesdrop. Being fluent in Thai, I was astonished to find she was addressing her legs. ‘Between the two of you we could make a lot of money.’
What did the Thai girl’s right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they haven’t met yet.
A new state-of-the-art bar opened on Walking Street last week. Naturally I checked it out. Its main feature was a new robotic bartender installed. The owner was showing it off proudly. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The customer listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." The Thai DJ came over to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Isaan these days?"
A beautiful and therefore very popular girl from the Mandarin bar on soi 6 found she had a problem: too many customers – many of them repeat, many on Monday night after Quiz Night.
She decided to take the night off as she was a little sore. She asked her friend to deputise.
‘How many customer, will you have on Monday?’ the deputy asked.
‘Eleven,’ came the reply. The deputy frowned, ‘Hmm, I have eight usually. OK we see how it goes.’
The following Tuesday, the deputy told her. ‘Not do ever again. Have twenty customer and I very sore.’
‘Twenty! No wonder your pussy sore.’
‘Pussy fine. Climbing all those stairs, my feet are killing me!’
Finally to right the balance, here are a couple of farang jokes.
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to Bangkok Pattaya Hospital for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
The doctor hurried over to Maurice and said, “ Why you not do like I tell you?”
Maurice replied, "I’m doing just what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, "I not say that. I said, "You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
An inebriated farang was in a bar and naturally was quickly joined by a Thai girl who was slightly past her sell-by date.
Drunk: “How about it Tirac, I’m drunk enough to ignore your shortcomings and you look as if you could use a little money.”
Lady, quivering with indignation, retorted, “Is OK, I not charge by the inch.”
If you have enjoyed these articles they can be downloaded from Amazon under the title 'Amusing Thailand' by Mike Bell. A companion volume of short stories set in and about Pattaya is available also from Amazon entitled 'Thai Tales'.