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Golf in Pattaya.

What is golf in Pattaya? Well it’s many different things to many different people. To some it’s an obsession, a passion and a way of life but to others it’s a way of whiling away the daylight hours until the real fun starts in darkness. To those of us in between these extremes it’s a social event, a time to be with your mates and laugh with them.

The Germans, being German have a word that accurately describes golf in Pattaya for me recently and that’s schadenfreude, which basically means pleasure obtained from another’s suffering.

We played Pattavia this week. The sign in the foyer ominously said the greens were running at an express pace of 9.5. What the sign didn’t say was that this measurement was taken uphill and into the grain. So after harrowing experiences on the first three or four greens I finally worked out, never go past the flag. I’ve come up short with my approach to the 6th and walked up to my ball. My mood darkened when the first thing I noticed was the putter was out of the question. I would HAVE to chip, always my last option. The muscles in my forearms were already beginning to seize up. Out came the Ha Sip Hock (why oh why) and I forced myself over it. Back came the club in a choking sort of stuttering motion and it fell on the ball which went whizzing past the pin leaving me a scorchingly fast, downhill, very nasty five foot putt. I tried to look calm and refrained from snapping the wedge in two. My turn to putt and I wondered if anyone would notice if I left the cover on. Over it I stood, the putter felt like a spitting Cobra in my hands which I was trying to strangle to death. I took it back surprisingly smoothly and gently tipped the ball ever so slightly. Away it rolled, just slowly to begin with and my hopes soared. It started to gather pace and by the time it reached the hole it was fizzing. I resigned myself to the 8 footer coming back, without watching. I looked up expecting sympathy but what I was greeted with were contented little smiles breaking across faces. The word schadenfreude screamed in my mind as we burst out laughing. Anyone that plays golf in Pattaya has suffered this ignominy.

The PR people have stuck me with Aussie Bob, for golf tips. Well most of you can guess who Aussie Bob is and obviously his country of origin. So, I rang him for his input, his tip of the month. I will leave the expletives out but needless to say many words ended in “ing” and “ers”. Aussie Bob being Australian has very little interest in the written word. His words to me, his tip of the month as it were, is:-

“Just tell the “expletive deleted (golfers)” to turn and hit the “expletive deleted (ball)”, go find it and turn and hit the thing again. Don’t worry about all that BS golf coaches sell you. Just a good turn is a good start to a golf swing, clear your mind of any other crap.

Happy Golfing