Prisoner At Home. – By Tongue Thai’d

 Would you believe that at this stage in my life, after all I have seen and done, that there are still trials and tribulations I am going through?  My esteemed lady, who for the present shall go nameless, entertains me daily with her brand of Thai culture, idioms and words of wisdom that, to be frank….or Barbara… leave me speechless.

Let me state from the outset that I am the boss of my household. She who must be obeyed, has given me this dubious honour, but still, there are some things that are so deeply embedded in her culture and psyche, that I have given up trying to change her. Some of the things that are frowned upon in my home, which, out of a malicious sense of humour I continue to do are:……

Cut my nails at any time I deem fit….

“Thai custom” – Very bad luck to cut your nails in the evening, better to cut in the early morning.

Sit in the doorway….

“Thai custom” – Very bad luck, especially if you are a woman, can denote that you will have a miscarriage. (No danger of that Darling, does Gippo guts count?)

Hum, sing or whistle whilst eating…

Once again, bad luck! Hell, I normally play some good music over mealtimes and it is very difficult to refrain from doing the above, I think it’s therapeutic.

Sleep facing a certain direction…..

If I had a beer for each time we rearranged the room to get the bed in the best “Feng Shui” position, I would be plastered for at least a month. Must face sunrise, good luck, opposite means being laid to rest in a criminal’s grave only seeing the sunset.

Having my hair cut when and where I deem fit…

Oh No…. Very bad luck to cut your hair on certain days.

Moving house, Ahhh, that is simple?.....

Hell No, have sat outside the doorway of my new residence with my possessions waiting patiently behind me, till midnight, so that we could move in on an auspicicious day, normally Tuesday or Thursday.

Business??.....

Same same but different. Friday is normally a good day??

Knowing the normal Thai beliefs about certain things, I still manage to stuff things up occasionally…

 Move things around on the floor with my foot

 Pat someone on the head

 Sit with my feet up

 Step over someone or something (get outta my way, I’m in a hurry!)

Etc etc… Please forgive me, I am just a clumsy Kwai, I know not what I doeth.

Any sign of ill health to my dearly beloved , a hot flush for example, is a definite signal that someone somewhere is placing a curse on her and off she scurries to her local ‘Spell Re-director and bad curse removal expert Pty (Ltd) and Sons’. The amount of joss sticks she lights in the morning have been increasing steadily over the past few weeks, and in a confined apartment it’s become almost like trench warfare, I am just missing my gas mask and rifle, as I struggle through the haze towards the breathable air outside. She is not to be outdone that easily though, and tracks me down to perform another ritual, complete with 16 more joss sticks right where I am sitting. Watching them burn down agonizingly slowly, eyes watering, I attempt to blow them down faster while Missus isn’t watching.

Then we get to the dreaded Tarot card reading which I must say, she is pretty good at. The amount of pretty young girls visiting testifies to the fact and more than compensates for any intrusion into my home and time. The only thing I dread is when my nominated card, the Jack of diamonds gets turned up next to any feminine card apart from hers. I will then be interrogated Gestapo style for the next few hours over who I have met in the past few days and what form of relationship I am having. My fevered mind struggles to downplay even the most innocent encounters. I have since learned to use reverse psychology and merely grin and say ‘Oh.. many many ladies’. This leaves her glaring, not knowing if I am joking or not.

 My Dearly Beloved also has some fascinating view of the world , technology, ideology and other major mankind altering designs that leave me speechless…..

Do not turn on the tap too much, as the water meter will spin faster and cost more…

Opening and closing the fridge is a bad thing, because the light going on and off costs money….

Use the outside tap because the government pays for it?? It’s inside our grounds!

Walk 10 km to save 20 Baht on Songthaew. Granted it is healthy, but friggin tiring!

The more Buddha idols, long departed Kings Etc the better. Bad luck if you don’t believe. I choose to believe, much easier and safer.

Does not want to visit any foreign lands or neighbouring countries, ‘Me not like, cannot speak language and not like food.’ Welcome to the jungle baby, perhaps you would understand how we sometimes feel!

Thais are the best people on Earth. Mmmm … to dispute costs time and money (apologies and flowers). In the words of “Frankie Goes to Hollywoood”…. Relax, don’t do it!!!

What can one do, but nod understandingly and accept the fact that there are many things we cannot change and continue to live the good life we do, the reason that keeps us all here?? You know, I know….Let’s forget it.