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Arsinaninstant Editor’s Note.

There appears on Page 34 a letter sent in from a reader who has (quite within his rights) been very (undeserving in my opinion) critical of some contributors to this humble magazine. Below appears our cartoonist’s reply to this letter and you will find other responses in my reply to the author of the aforementioned letter and also in the Night Life Roundup column.

Please remember ‘Dear Constant Reader’ that the Trader is not intended to be a journal of serious, contemporary writings, rather it’s a light hearted attempt to bring a bit of fun into your life. Everyone who contributes to the Trader tries in their own way to bring you a little enjoyment and a chuckle.
As always - Thanks for picking up the Trader and I hope you enjoy it.

To anyone offended by the contents of this publication I both apologise and suggest you don’t pick it up again in the future.

SO - YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES?

Many of the cocky young men who cruise Pattaya’s Sois, clubs, bars and dens of iniquity may think they know all there is to know about sex, having cavorted with countless curvy courtesans, although I rather suspect their sex education and intimate knowledge of “the birds and the bees”, that inappropriate and sadly misconstrued euphemism for the animal act of procreation as translated to emergent adolescent human beings, is rudimentary and sadly lacking as a piece of encyclopedic knowledge.. For instance, how many people know that almost all honey-bees die virgins? that there is only one chance in 25 thousand for any one male honey-bee to achieve copulation with the queen bee, and even that will result in the whole of his genitalia being ripped off with an explosive force that is quickly followed by sudden death. He goes out with a bang, not a whimper, for if the shock doesn’t kill him then the resultant pain certainly will. His mutilated member serves as an internal blockage, a plug that prevents the other 24,999 male honey-bees from mating with her; in a way involuntary amputation of his own genitalia that acts as a kind of bee chastity belt.

As for the birds, well, would you be surprised to know that, with a few exceptions like ostriches, swans, and ducks, nearly 99% of all male birds do NOT have an external organ ? Yes, they actually have NO external penis. They have a cloacae, one opening that serves for the excretion of urine and faeces, eggs and as a reproductive passage. Almost all birds copulate by quickly rubbing their cloacae, their genital openings together. Hmmm, not so romantic after all, is it ? But why the lucky little Argentinean lake duck should have an 8 inch penis is anybody’s guess when a full-grown, adult male, silver-back gorilla has a meager 2 inches of manhood ?

It is also true to say that most all species of female birds, despite giving indications to the contrary, are frequently unfaithful. And it’s the same with women; over two thirds of married women admit to having had at least two or more lovers besides their husbands. Whether they admit it or not women are always on the look out, often in surreptitious ways (like they can watch a man without actually looking at him) for other attractive men, unlike those falang men whose lustful leers are blatantly obvious.

Moving on from the birds and the bees and into the weird world of animal passions, we know giraffes do it from a great height, porcupines do it gingerly, rams do it repeatedly, spiders do it fatefully, man does it on the slightest provocation, Pattaya girls do it persistently.

Monkeys and many other mammals regularly masturbate. Elephants do trunk tossing-often. Baboons are bum-men. Hippos are scatological dung slingers and spray excrement everywhere. Spiders are into bondage and cannibalism, trussing their lovers up with gossamer threads before making them a real dinner date. Big cats are both sadistic and masochistic as they snarl, slash and claw in their erotic infighting, savaging each others necks whilst copulating 50 or 60 times a day. And male kangaroos have two cocks apiece. But Pattaya man is not as liberated as the Bonobo chimpanzees of Africa where whole orgiastic family groups perform oral sex, mutual masturbation and endlessly copulate with each other; that is fathers, daughters, sons, mothers, cousins, babies, brothers and sisters in an incestuous free-for-all!.

Despite this daily licentious behavior the female Bonobo chimps do not appear to achieve orgasm, they simply move nonchalantly from one session to another with a nibble of eats in between - no need to draw any further parallels there.

Oh, and many creatures practice mock fighting before coupling as well. Considering all creatures great and small, rightly or wrongly, the size of a male’s organ is often taken to be a measurement of his virility, judging by the commercial market that is bursting at the seams with developing creams galore and penile enlargers. So it would be as well to put things into perspective and consider some of the following facts; the tiny flea has a tool which measures almost two thirds of his body; and so does the giant anteater, which would be the equivalent of a 4 foot dong on a tall man; and a blue whale has a reproductive appendage over 7 feet long and bigger than Hulk Hogan. The female spider monkey has the biggest clitoris of all animals comparative to its size (the clit’ being 7 inches long) although some hyenas have them over a foot long.

Can you imagine a Pattaya girl with a 12 inch clitoris? More to the point, would you even want to? On the sheer virility stakes the humble hamster beats us all. The hamster, like the mouse, just can’t get enough. A pair of hamsters can do it at a rate of more than once a minute for hours at a time. However the cup has to be awarded to the tiny gerbil whose performance has been recorded at 224 pokes in two hours flat! That’s some coming.

But what about the poor preying-mantis? Sex is a fatal attraction for it has its head bitten off once it starts mating and it gets its body devoured whilst it is still going through the motions. So the next time your Pattaya girl gets niggled about your less than gerbil like performance, spare a prayer for the male preying mantis, and tell her to be content with what you are able to do, that way she’ll still get a meal out of you without you having to lose your head about it.