EX-PAT’S DELIGHT

Internet Dating - Part 1

 Roger was beginning to have doubts even before he hit the airport. Perhaps he’d acted too hastily by running away from Pattaya with his tail between his legs. He’d responded with a knee-jerk reaction in the same way he’d reacted to being jilted back home, but he’d learnt enough about Thai ladies to recognise they weren’t the same kind of animal as the females in England.

Having some time to kill before his flight, he browsed the magazines in the bookstore and homing straight in to one entitled “Thai Lovelights”, bought it without a second’s thought. Skimming the index quickly, he saw a chapter heading “Thai Lovers for Jaded Farangs” and turned to it quickly, seeking some solace from his heartbreak. The article recommended signing up with the Bangkok company which published the magazine. It ran an on-line match-making agency and maintained its policy was to vet prospective couples, both Thai and farang and guaranteed to find perfect soul mates without the trials and tribulations normally associated with romance. Still having some Thai Baht remaining, he went to a convenient airport internet station and logged on to the website: www.thailovelights.co.th, filled in his personal details, specified the ideal partner he was looking for and sent a preliminary email as required.

Having finally completed all the initial requirements, he logged off just in time to see the last call for his flight flagged on the announcements screen and dashed off to the departure gate. Later, on the plane, he re-read the article and began to daydream about meeting the true love of his life. He continued this reverie throughout the flight with obligatory breaks for snacks and to watch one of the in-flight movies, “The Seal”, which just so happened to be about eternal love pursued through several lifetimes. Eventually, reaching Heathrow, Roger again accessed a convenient internet station at the airport to see if he’d had any response to his email.

He was delighted to see the first of a selection of six young Thai ladies who fitted his specified profile, but could make no further progress until he’d uploaded his photo and made another credit card payment. He waited until he got home before accessing the website, making the next payment, uploading his photo and scrutinizing all six ladies’ profiles in more detail.

There were two that really appealed. The first was aged 24, had a fabulous figure, was educated to degree level, unmarried, childless and worked as a marketing exec in a Bangkok publishing house. She maintained she’d had several traumatic relationships where she’d been abused by Thai guys and just wanted a kind-hearted farang for reciprocal friendship, hopefully leading to marriage. Her photo depicted a stunning female of model proportions and Roger sent off his introductory email to her explaining how he’d been conned by a Pattaya Go-Go girl and hoped to find a Thai lady of good background and integrity whom he might eventually marry.

The other potential was 22, drop-dead gorgeous, with waist-length hair, almond eyes and a smile like Helen of Troy’s, (or at least how she’d been depicted in a Greek statue of the era). She was only educated to high-school level and worked as a beauty therapist in a top Bangkok salon. She professed she was a virgin, had never had a relationship of note and was saving her cherry for the man of her dreams. Roger sent the identical email to her as he’d sent the first.

Although Roger was a graduate himself and the prevailing urban myth recommended marrying an intellectual peer, he felt deeply attracted to the second and intuited she would be a more suitable love match. He corresponded regularly with both by email and phone and, though he was under no obligation, remained celibate. As the time drew near his next vacation period, he decided it was unfair to string the first along, so he apologised and broke off the relationship. He’d fallen in love with his chosen love-mate’s voice and carried on hour-long phone calls, which gradually became increasingly more sensual and lascivious. Vacation time finally arrived and Roger duly booked his flight and flew to Bangkok to meet his new love.

She met him at the airport and he saw immediately that her photo had exaggerated her charms. She was, in fact, much plainer, and somewhat older than her professed profile, but he’d come so far and built up such expectations that he thought he ought at least to give her a chance. They booked into a nearby hotel and didn’t waste time on preliminaries but leapt straight into bed. What followed certainly fulfilled his amatory expectations, but there were no blood stains on the sheet and on closer scrutiny she had stretch marks. She was, in fact, a raving nymphomaniac and wouldn’t even let him sleep. He suspected that she might have been on something and later caught her smoking Yah-Bah in the bathroom. He had no idea what it was she was smoking, but managed to extract a confession.