When did I become a Weeble?
I can’t tell you when it happened or how, all I can say for certain is that it did happen. And the worst part is I never noticed. I wasn’t aware of the transition until it was all but done. So consider this article a friendly warning for the women of Pattaya, as it could be happening to you.
The way I discovered my condition came when I needed to find two rather mundane items, both of practical everyday use. The first is a perfect pair of denim shorts; proper shorts not too long, not too short shorts. Every woman living in a hot climate has a pair. Mine I purchased years ago from a British high street chain call “New Look”. Hardly a fashion cornucopia however they were right colour and size, were well made and on sale! The second item is a well fitting, and safe, motorbike helmet.
The comfortable denim shorts were my good old holiday shorts, the first thing into the suitcase whenever I was going anywhere with even a remote threat of above tepid temperature. They were old friends, better than that they were loved ones. The absolute level of comfort and safety. And now these friends have passed, worn to the point of thread bare perfection until one fatal day I made one last violent grab to cover my dignity, tore off more than I had bargained for and rendered the affair nullified, a once a tireless faultless fit now unfitting faulty attire.
So the search for the perfect companions began and with it my first ‘shock’. On home soil, I was a snug size 8 and lived happily off one hearty meal a day and the odd packet sandwich and hefty serving of cider. I didn’t eat too much but I certainly never dieted and never felt the need to. I’m not a girly girl, one that obsesses over the mirror, but things can change and one sure fire way of making things change is the inclusion of Thailand.
Let’s face it; two facts about Thailand which keep packing the tourist in year after year are simple. 1.) Thai food is sublime and 2.) The women… well Thai women are as scrumptious and beautiful as the national dishes. Surrounded by a plethora of beautiful new exciting and exotic taste sensations, my one meal a day has become four, and no small portions. As mentioned, it’s not just the food that’s stunning, the women are petite bronzed apparitions with jet black straight locks and tiny bone structures, which makes shopping in this paradise a bloody nightmare! Okay so I’m not the same size as I was before I left but then again who is?
My hunt for the perfect shorts has become a challenge, my ass is simply too big! I accept full responsibility for this; I like Phad Gra Paow Moo Gawp too much! I love the food, love it.
When I finally plucked up the courage to get on a motorbike and get out onto the open road, I was handed another challenge. My head is too damn small for any safe helmets. I can shop in the crappy section of Big C for an astonishingly ugly fibreglass monstrosity that skims my hairline, peaks high on my forehead and flat out refuses to converse with my temples, which as far as I’m concerned are the one soft spot I want to protect when bouncing around Sukhumvit Road at speed. And that’s when it dawned on me that it had happened, but when, WHEN DID I BECOME A WEEBLE? How had I gone from a snuggish size 8 (British sizes) to the exact same shape as the loveable 70s children’s toys with the tiny heads and the giant asses that JUST WON’T FALL DOWN? When had my backside metamorphosed into a rotund heavy base structure and my cranium shrunk to the size of a pea? So, here I was without the comfort and safety of either head nor tail gear and wondering how to solve this issue.
But fear not fellow ladies because I have come across three gems. The first is found on Thepprasit Road. Coming from Sukhumvit, about half way down on the left-hand side is a bike shop, (I can’t tell you the name as it is all in Thai, but there is a massive green sign that stands out like sore thumb so you can’t miss it) and inside is a lovely of jumble of head gear, a lot of which comes in size S (not for your ass, for your head.). I found full face helmets and fashionable, comfortable, small-sized, affordable safety gear. I settled for an 1960s-style Wacky Racers cream affair with a full visor and ear protection for just 500 baht. I fully intend on returning there when I get a full paycheck! Find this place, it literally could save your life!
As to the more pressing concern of how to sort your comfy buns out, well, at the back of Pattaya night market, in the daytime, is a beautiful lady with nothing but denim shorts, plaid shorts, tight shorts, long shorts and, more importantly LARGE shorts for all of us who previously were not in possession of large posteriors. If you can speak a little Thai she’ll give you a bargain as big as your ass!
Finally, just as you cross the railroad tracks on Soi Khao Talo there’s a shop with a small black sign on the right-hand side named Police International. This shop proudly advertises their large sizes and have ‘large’ selection of clothes for those who have suffered the shapely challenged approached to shopping Thailand, all the best happy shoppers from head to … well um toe?