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The Wonder of Pattaya


Early closing season is upon us again

Crackburi Governor Pisit Upagainstawall wandered into Walking Street on an official guided tour to inspect the effectiveness of yet another government enforced 2:00am closing of establishments dispensing alcoholic substances and offering entertainment involving women of an extroverted nature.


closedHe was informed by a number of persons who claimed to be businessmen -all dark suits with bulges under the armpits; sunglasses at 11:00pm; short-cropped hair; scowls- that their income was being adversely affected by the early closing hours. They suggested foreigners, unlike most Thais, did not wish to spend the majority of their days and nights sleeping. Instead, they liked to go out after the sun goes down and fill their stomachs with as much alcohol as is humanly possible and stay out very late.


The more intelligent among the dark suits suggested the reason most foreigners wanted to drink until they were spastic and not go home to bed until the sun was coming up is connected to their childhood and teenage years. He explained to Governor Pisit the Freudian theme of childhood repression resulting in adult rebellion. Most foreigners are compelled by their parents to go to bed early (i.e. before the really steamy movies are shown on those cable channels after 8:30pm) and are admonished with regard to the evils of the consumption of alcohol. This is despite the obvious attractions of alcohol for their parents.


Therefore, when they finally manage to break loose of the apron springs they tend to become a little like born-again Christians: they over-indulge in the previously forbidden vices. Of course born-again Christians don't over indulge in vices, they simply pester non-believers to death on the virtues of abandoning alcohol consumption and going to bed early.


Anyway, the Crackburi Governor told the men in dark suits he was sympathetic to their economic plight and would review the matter with some urgency, promising to get back to them by November. Ever the political operator he neglected to be specific about November of which year. He then informed the men in dark suits that the last time anyone took any notice of a clampdown on closing times in Pattaya bars was in 2001, which means it's all ancient history.


Community Happenings

Following a spate of visitors and expatriates deciding to end their lives by leaping from high floors in condo blocks, a sensible marketing type opened an English-style pub called the Yell and Plunge. Apart from the standard full English breakfast and PG Tips tea, the pub offers tips on Sensible Leaping, the Best Time to Jump, Testing for Wind Direction, Responsible Plunging, and Writing a Coherent Suicide Note.


Clubs and Friendly Societies

Baht Bus Spotting Club: meets at the corner of Second Road and South Pattaya Road every Monday afternoon at 1:00pm. A limited number of specially designed anoraks are available from Bruce. He can be contacted by email: anorakbahtbus@getalife.com


Alcoholics Anonymous: meets on Friday afternoon at 5:00pm during the all-you-can-drink happy hour at Joe's Bar in Soi Sukmedry.


Sexaholics Anonymous: meets on Saturday afternoon at 3:00pm in the coffee shop of the Open Window Massage Parlour on Soi Soapy.


Onanists Anonymous: a special place for people with a 'handling' problem, have advised a change of leadership. Previous chairman, Stan, from Essex, has finally gone blind and his replacement is Bob, from Northumberland. Bob's eyesight isn't too flash either.


Onanists Anonymous is a club for those who appear to have a social problem relating to members of the opposite sex and seem only capable of relating to their own 'members' in quite physical ways are counselled by experts and given support from other like-minded individuals.


Members are slowly weaned off the self-extraction method of physical release and encouraged to participate in assisted extraction by the presence of qualified massage personnel from the Many Hands Make Light Loads Massage and Spa, situated right next door.


The Ernest Hemingway Gun Club: will be meeting as usual in the Club Knockers Karaoke Pub on Third Road anytime from midnight onwards. Members are reminded to bring their own unregistered guns and be prepared to fire at random if someone looks at them the 'wrong' way.


Parents without single partners in Thailand have advised they will be holding their next over 30's night at the Bamboo Bar from 8:00pm until 11:30pm. The house band, Jimmy and the Geriatrics, will sing their standard set of tunes made famous in the 1960s and 70s. Please note: Jimmy has advised the band is making a greater effort to remember the lyrics of such songs as 'Da Doo Doo Dee Diddy Dum Diddy Doo' and 'Onagodadivida' (aka 'In the Garden of Eden').


Special attraction

The Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective (CPMC) will be holding its very own 'Mr Buffalo' Contest during the full moon period of July.


clubThe idea for the contest came after the 11th annual Thai Buffalo Festival held by the Livestock Development Department in Surin. The winner was a swamp buffalo from Nakhon Sri Thammarat whose winning characteristics included 'a big skull and large hooves'.


According to CPMC spokeswoman Khun Lek (better known as No 181 from the Blow Hard go-go in Soi Hand Relief), the criteria for winning the CPMC contest will include a thick skull and large bank account. Although a large number of Russians certainly qualify in both departments, they appear reluctant to engage in such activities, considering the local peasantry to be beneath them. Boris Badanovsky, a long-time resident, was quoted as saying, "This country has wonderful bitches for sweeming and in night-time is good for having pooblic sex with gorgeous Russian lady. But is no good for people. Local peeple is very much peasant. If Roosia peeple can take over, then Thailand is great cuntry."


[Note: Boris is currently being investigated in Russia for unusual wealth and has chosen to live in Pattaya for the sunshine, and lack of an extradition treaty]

Note from the Arse:
The OMIP (Our Man In Pattaya) column is one of the most popular columns in the magazine. Written by the much celebrated and celibrate Dunc and Stern. If you advertise here, we will always keep your advert on this page thus ensuring maximum exposure for you or your business. First come, first served.