Aries: Mar 21-Apr 20. January looks like being a trying time for Arians. You may find your normally strong drive depleted and you waste essential energy in non-productive activities. If you insist on opposing or vying with authority, becoming emotional and argumentative, it could go against you. You’ll be strongly tempted to act impulsively without adequate forethought, resist this urge. You might have to deal with the results of past actions during this month, which you feel emotionally unable to cope with. Take counsel.

 Taurus: Apr 21-May 20. Mystical matters will impinge on your consciousness this month. Don’t resist, try and understand them. January could well bring emotional disillusionment in your social and romantic life. The search for illusory pleasure may lead you into a clandestine love affair, which could cause the break up of a stable relationship. Conversely, it may be your partner who’s having a secret affair. Even if you are in a difficult situation, don’t try to drown your sorrows in escapist activities.

 Gemini: May 21-Jun 20. Early January will see you on top form: mentally acute, organisationally adept, highly communicative and well able to solve problems. But you’ll also be argumentative and into power games. However, as the month progresses, you’re likely to feel hypersensitive and an element of self-deception may tempt you to escape your professional, domestic and social responsibilities. In this state, you’re may be easily deceived, so be very careful if you sign any contracts or legal documents.

 Cancer: Jun 20-Jul 21. Impulsive, contrary behaviour marks early January, which could result in an emotional crisis due to your desire for independence and emotional freedom. Sudden, unexpected and unwanted domestic changes may precipitate all kinds of difficulties and complications, especially in close relationships. You are likely to be tense, nervous, moody and have difficulty restraining your feelings. However, a calming influence later in January will give you inspiration. You can offset some of the negativity by becoming more involved with others and being creative domestically.

 Leo: Jul 22-Aug 21. January will see you empowered, with a high degree of mental concentration, organisational ability, and capable of deep thought and application. Others, recognising this, will seek your counsel, which will increase your popularity.  Opportunities are likely to be offered for promotion and increased responsibility and older, more established people will assist your efforts. However, as January progresses, you might find your will wavering. Emotionally, you may do and say things that seemingly are against your better judgment. Tread carefully.

 Virgo: Aug 22- Sep 21. Early January will be a time of intellectual acuity and clarity. Your organisational powers will be strong and you’ll feel capable of sustained constructive work. Inspiration is also likely to add wings to your thought processes. Research is also well favoured. Relationally, however, you mustn’t lose sight of your partner’s needs. As January progresses, an element of confusion and self-doubt may creep in, threatening to erode all the previous good work, don’t dwell on such anxieties as they’ll soon pass.

 Libra: Sep 22-Oct 22. This month, your artistic inspiration should be flowing well, especially as regards the unusual and bizarre. You should also have the energy for sustained work. However, problems on the relationship front may seriously affect your powers of imagination and concentration. Either you or your partner may be involved in extra-relational affairs. Don’t seek solace in drink or drugs as this will only cause later problems. Bide your time and seek advice, rather than taking precipitate action.

 Scorpio: Oct 23-Nov 21. January should be an exceptionally creative period for you when you will be capable of practically anything. It’s a great time for initiating new projects. Your powers of research and detection will be strong and you can be relied on to see through any shams or pretence on the part of others, which might otherwise have thrown a spanner in the works. However, beware of coming on too strong and intimidating those around you. You can’t afford to alienate essential allies. 

 Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 20. Your powers as a counsellor and a problem-solver should be much in demand in January. This is unlikely to faze you as you’ll be in your element, full of bright ideas, organisational genius and bonhomie. However, personally, you must beware of inadequate planning and forethought through over confidence, which could bring on problems, especially employment-wise. This month, you’re also likely to seek out transformative experiences, and could well become involved in research on psychology, reincarnation, psychic experiences and the occult.

 Capricorn: Dec 21-Jan 19. January will bring intellectual opportunities for some concerted and disciplined effort. If you have been working, your patient and unselfish devotion to duty is likely to be rewarded, possibly by promotion and increased responsibility. This month could see the start of a long-term, worthwhile project and much of your accumulated knowledge and past experience will be called upon in order for you to succeed. However, there’s also a chance of career difficulties or reduced circumstances, which may force you into having to face an unforeseen change of life-style.

 Aquarius: Jan 20-Feb 18. This month heralds a period of change, progressive ideas and dynamic activity. Time to break free of past restrictions and to venture into the unknown. Your need for independence, change, new experiences and creative fulfilment could denote the beginning of a new and exciting chapter in your life. But there’s also a possibility of an emotional crisis due to your desire for independence and emotional freedom. Sudden, unexpected and unwanted domestic changes may precipitate all kinds of difficulties and complications, especially in close relationships.

 Pisces: Feb 19-Mar 20. This month you may have the opportunity to work with the emotions and feelings of others. However, a heightened sense of romantic idealisation may lead to a period of emotional disillusionment and disappointment in your romantic life and your mental judgement can’t be relied upon. You might also have to deal with the results of past actions during this month. Avoid sexual excess, drugs, and deceit.

As always, we follow with "Not The Real Horoscope"!

Capricorn: Sharing Christmas with a Fat Bloke in a Red Suit

Romance in your life lately is more akin to bar fines that pass in the night; you can expect this to continue for the foreseeable future.

Aquarius: Off With the Fairies in Gaga Land

You’ve been suffering emotional ups and downs lately, a bit like an hour-and-a-half session at the Hell Club, only not as much fun.

Pisces: Whatever is That Smell?

You’re as keen as mustard to be doing something new, but your bathroom hygiene habits, such as they are, leave you smelling much like the aforementioned mustard.

Aries: Always Deny You Were Born on April Fool’s Day

Temptation will be knocking on your door for most of this month.

Taurus: So Much Bull in a Small Package

Wear a cod-piece to encourage more realistic expectations.

Gemini: Twice the Trouble and Only Half the Fun

Your social life will be good on Saturday’s and Sunday’s this month, especially when you meet an alluring Virgin.

Cancer: See Your Doctor; Have the Lumps Removed

The scent of cinnamon encourages a spicier mood.

Leo: Roar Like a Lion, Run Like a Chicken

Astral conditions are likely to see you lose a chunk of much-needed hair, exposing your balding pate even more to the maddening effect of the midday sun. your favourite song will be ‘Crazy’.

Virgo: Still Tugging Away After All These Years

No one understands you: not your wife, your girlfriend, your boss, your friends, your children, your pets.

Libra: A Form of Female Underwear Liner

The crystal ball payments haven’t been maintained lately and the spirits (non-alcoholic) are upset, so the prognostications for Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius are basically stuffed. If I happen to make any money over the next few weeks you just might get lucky next month!!

Scorpio: The Name of a Very Nasty Criminal

Ditto 

Sagittarius: Couldn’t Hit the Side of a Barn with a Howitzer

ditto