Something new to lose your money in

The former TQ 2 opened in 1991, so to survive 20 years in business in Pattaya is to be commended. It had its moments in the sun as
far as popularity was concerned, at one stage being a real late-night venue. TQ 2 rarely had much in the way of chrome pole huggers of quality, but that’s not why people used to visit the joint. This was an air-conditioned bar, which, like its older sibling on Beach Road, played pretty good rock n roll music, not the head banging techno crap spewing forth from the speakers of most dens. It was a locals’ hangout in many ways.

The key to the joint was one of the American co-owners, Steve Blumenthal. Sadly, he died of a heart attack at just 41 years of age, in late 2006. Steve used to write a column called ‘Out For A Beer’ in one of Pattaya’s monthly tourist publications, sensibly giving TQ2 a mention in most of his pieces. I didn’t know him very well but he struck me as a nice person, and I never heard anyone talk of him in anything but the kindest terms. Steve, despite his relative youth, had been in Pattaya for a long time and once he was gone I guess it was no surprise to see TQ 2 struggle along. What it probably needed was a complete makeover and name change.

Buffalo Bar goes down the nuts and butts route: The long-established Buffalo Bar Sierra Tango boozer (Third Road, near Soi LK) has always been a popular hangout, but it appears the management are falling into the same trap as many other places in allowing their distaff employees to be stiffened by the addition of a few cocks in frocks. As the photo with this story shows, the men who wouldbe women are fairly obvious, in the sense that you’d have to be very full of amber cheer or overwhelmed by the holy spirit not to be able to pick them out in a line-up, even with the lights out. I’m told many Buffalo Bar regulars are not impressed by the presence of the nuts with butts, as the expats frequent the joint in search of female company and don’t want to be pestered by someone from the meat and two veg brigade. Whether this will have a long-term detrimental affect on the bar is not clear, but you have to wonder why the owners would even entertain the idea given that most of their regulars are expats or long-termers, and most of these just aren’t interested in playing hide the salami in the dustpipe.
Well, not unless ‘she’s’ a real stunner. Hit or miss, or hot and cold: There’s a certain perverse allure about really bad go-go bars. Of the 70-plus dens of the chrome pole stretched across Fun Town, there are a few which have survived for some length of time despite looking as though they could, or should, be closing down at any tick of the clock.

One of these dens is Hot & Cold (Soi Post Office). The joint kicks into a kind of life (oxygen might help) at about 3:30pm seven days a week and bats through until about 2:00am. On a recent visit I wandered into the place about half an hour after opening to see two girls on stage. Both were past their use-by date, but since I was feeling masochistic, as well as thirsty, I decided to stay. Drinks prices start at around 60 baht and the management of the den understand their demographic because lady drinks are set at a realistic 90 baht.
One of the dancers decided I must have been on my first visit to Pattaya and had wandered in by mistake, because she came over and attempted to impress upon me the wonders that could be revealed if only I would agree to go upstairs with her for a short period of cavity inspection, both hers and mine. The fee for this exercise she stated would ‘only’ be 1,300 baht, including the room. She took my refusal as shyness and persisted, eventually discounting the proposal to a grand sum of 1,000 baht, all in. Not to put too fine a point on it, but she simply wasn’t ‘my type’, so no amount of promotional pricing was going to get me to take the stairway to a dubious heaven.

By the time I left the bar, a few more dancers had wandered through the doors and I have to say a couple looked far better than I would have expected. Despite this, I happen to think Hot & Cold definitely sits in the bottom 10 percent of the go-go pile of Fun Town. No draft beer but still an Oasis of fun: I don’t know whether this is going to be a long-term flood related problem, or just happened to be one of those situations where Pattaya-wide rationing is taking place and so some places have to wait in line for future supplies, but the popular Club Oasis go-go (Soi Buakhow) was out of draft amber fluid on Monday night. The lack of this go-go bar staple certainly didn’t put a dampener on the number of punters enjoying the sights and sounds in the den. The music, synchronised with videos, is usually pretty good and only rarely descends into the pit of turgid noise produced by the likes of Smell Doggcrap or some other
drug-dealer turned LA rapper. As for the chrome pole molesters, there were plenty of them. The majority could be rated as average or better; a couple were definitely candidates for the
good perving list for November. Management seem to have weeded out most of the slugs and the sloths and so it’s no surprise the place was busy.

By the way, I am well aware this column fails to live up to the standards of politically correct babblespeak as espoused by some arcane sub-paragraph emanating from a bureaucratic bunker in Brussels. There are those who suggest Nightmarch is simply chauvinistic and morally bankrupt. Why? Because I write about a meat market where men with money to spend are looking to unload it on women who are equally prepared to accept it, knowing the price to be paid will usually involve an act of intimacy. “Close your eyes and think of Somchai,” is
probably what goes through many of their minds. It’s worth remembering that in 2011 there are arguably more women working in Pattaya who are not ‘on the game’ than those who are. Certainly, in Thailand, the absolute majority of females work in so-called ‘proper’ jobs. The Nightmarch column is not about them, so for the Bible-bashers and the Saving Souls for Christ  brigade or those who think casual sex with strangers in return for money is an abomination, try and get a handle on the real world instead of living in some ivory tower of self-delusion. Get down to Oasis and join in the fun, you might find it a liberating experience.