Our Man in Pattaya
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The heading for the story, ‘China Touching Breasts Festival’, was bound to draw plenty of readers, especially those who spend furtive evenings using Google and searching for websites where the word ‘breasts’ appears. For a list of the best of these just send an email to me: waynekerr@ gallopingknobrot.com The Pattaya-based website had clearly taken the story, possibly first written in Chinese, and then used Google translate to turn it into Thai, for the homegrown version of its site.
It was then Googled into English, for the expat community readers. This three-way process basically rendered the English component somewhat difficult to comprehend. The following are a few excerpts, reprinted without any embellishment apart from some minor editing, but not for clarity, merely sanity.
An Our Man in Pattaya translation (cheaper than Google, but not guaranteed to be any more efficient) follows each quoted item. ‘China’s loong yunnan double cypress county town of hubei’s traditional culture festival celebration of yi, time for the lunar year July 14, 15 and 16 days, “touch” milk to touch the milk during a man for the auspicious, women were in touch with milk for giovanni cobolli gigli.’ When Napoleon decided Egypt might make a nice place to spend the European winters and so invaded the place with the intention of conquest and establishing cafes and educating the natives in the fine art of sipping Cabernet Merlot by the flagon, one of his officers discovered a large stone on which was carved a number of clearly competing languages.
It became known as the Rosetta Stone and took a couple of decades before a Frenchman was able to decipher the script. In these modern times mysteries such as the Rosetta Stone would be deciphered in hours rather than decades. That said, it took me a little longer to work out just what the quoted paragraph above was trying to say. Basically, in China’s Yunnan
province there is a traditional festival held each year in mid-July during which it is possible for men who would like to become women can register to have breast enhancements with a man
named Giovanni Cobolli Gigli, who is apparently a former garbage collector from Naples who was unemployed for many years and retrained as a plastic surgeon courtesy of the La Cosa Nostra Medical School.
The ar t icle goes on to note that the festival originated some centuries ago during the ‘traditional cul ture year Hal loween Cavano’s Blog celebration, the lunar calendar is July 14, 15 and 16 days, except for the limited festivals, good brothers, came to town of male and female, appear to abide by milk is a man is pleased to touch, women will glad to accept by touch.
From the sui dynasty, many young for successive years, women are not even touch The rotten apple will die, WangSi dead wandering around, if not, they do not sacrifice of
grievances YiGu will bring disaster. But the spirit of the strongest thoughts: looking for a woman to sheol to wife, try the taste of a woman‚ This is the normal sacrifice cannot satisfy!’
As is probably clear from the previous paragraph, the festival used to happen at Halloween, but too many women started playing up to men wearing pumpkins on their heads and then realising they had made an awful mistake when these men removed the aforementioned pumpkins and wanted to stick rotten apples in a variety of orifices, usually someone else’s.
‘Ghosts are very simple and very picky, who was the woman who touched milk never will! By several men are more touched in place without The vicissitudes of the stone ghost! Girls should not go to hell when the demons, only in the last few days, the demons street to allow people to touch, the ghost nothing.’
In an attempt to stop so many men from wanting to become women, the females of the region employed the arcane arts and black magic in an attempt to find a suitable husband. They also started taking off their clothes to advertise their assets. ‘In the milk Morning glory days, the local women wear the coat will only obscure side breast, breast, the other side of the cover as participate in the festival, people can feel as cover for the other side of the breast is their future husband retained.
That local single Flying dreams men and women can be in this day, find out the market. Once on the elephant, will hand into the hillside pine woods…
It appeared to flirt, laughter and applause commonly. Throughout the festival activities during all the men and women merely to touch the milk, there is no other. Because this is the local people lasted more than 1,000 years. After the festival, the girl is touched I miss is quarrelled with milk for pleasure, boys to touch the milk and glory, girls and to touch and touch the quantity for his achievements.’
These paragraphs recommend the liberal use of prophylactics to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Women should insist on their use, especially for that little morning ‘slap and tickle.’ If the man wants to go bareback the woman should tell him to go fly a kite or find a woman less fussy, probably one who resembles the size of an elephant. At the end of the festival the man who has managed to fly more kites than anyone else gets first squeeze of the lemon of the winner of the Most Voluptuous Assets title.
I think I’ll stick to wandering about the go-go and beer bars of Fun Town, at least the devil is not in the details, and a morning glory is usually only an extra 500 baht, or so I’m told.
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